Tuesday, April 7, 2009

LOSTAWAYS - A CeeJ Comedy Production Post by CeeJ on Fri Apr 10, 2009 9:35 am

I read this on dark ufo's site today and it made me laugh. It is by CeeJ and it is too funny! Check it out!


Jack - Paul Rudd
Kate - Anna Friel
Sawyer - Owen Wilson
Locke - Robin Wiliams
Claire - Isla Fisher
Jin - Jackie Chan
Sun - Lucy Liu
Hurley - Seth Rogen
Charlie - Simon Pegg
Sayid - Omid Djalili
Michael - Marlon Wayans
Walt - Gary Coleman
Christian - Steve Martin
Richard – Russell Brand
Mr Eko - Eddie Murphy
Ben - Steve Carell
Juliet - Drew Barrymore
Horace – Tommy Chong
Desmond - David Tennant
Vincent – played by a different dog every few scenes just for comic purpose


Opening scene: An eye opens. Camera pans out to see it belongs to Jack, who is lying flat on his back in the middle of a rainforest. It is raining.

JACK (Paul Rudd): Man, that was one awesome party! Where the hell am I?

Jack gets up and staggers through the forest heading towards shouting voices. Jack stumbles onto a beach where there is the wreckage of a large aircraft. Everything is chaos. People are wailing and staggering around, bloody and dishevelled.

Jack looks around at the carnage and spies an dark haired woman who is helping a heavily pregnant blond girl.

JACK: Whoa! I had nothing to do with that, man!
KATE (Anna Friel): (in fake, stereotypical Texan sounding American accent) Back awf yew man-child! Caint yew see she’s hert!
CLAIRE (Isla Fisher): Strewth! That was one hell of a ride! (Looks at burning plane wreckage) Ooh! Barbie! Can they do me a couple of shrimp? I am eating for two… myself and a possible messiah!


Jack is at a funeral home. He is looking into a coffin, where the body of his father lies. Camera pans into coffin where Christian (Steve Martin) is laid out in a white suit and an arrow going through his head.
Cuts to airport. Jack is at the counter checking himself and his father’s coffin in.

AIRLINE STEWARD (Pauly Shore): Whassup, buh-hu-ddy?
JACK: 2 to check in please. Adult and one coffin.
AIRLINE STEWARD: We can give you some up-gradidge, the dead dude in the box can go in overhead luh-hu-ggage!

Behind Jack, there is a small commotion between a large man and a rather dishevelled man. The larger man is holding on for dear life to a large packet of wheaty snacks. The dishevelled man is trying to pull them out of his hands.

HURLEY (Seth Rogen): You can’t take them….. they’re medication!
SAWYER (Owen Wilson): What do you mean, medication Fatboy? They’re goddam Cheezy Bitey Bits!
HURLEY: YES! I need the additives! Like that guy in Crank II, only I don’t need electricity! Orange powdery food colouring does it for me every time!

Vincent the dog (golden retriever) runs through the room and grabs the snacks from between the two guys, and runs off. He is chased by Michael (Marlon Wayans) and Walt (Gary Coleman).

WALT: Whatcho talkin’ ‘bout Vincent?


Hurley appears to have found the packet of Cheezy Bitey Bits and is yet again wrestling with Sawyer over them.

SAWYER: You don’t need em Hippoguy! When I was a kid, I was lucky to have an empty packet to look at, let alone lick the insides of! I never needed artificial foodstuffs and look what a ruggedly handsome man it made me into. (Turns and smiles to camera – wind blows through his hair and sunlight glints off his teeth).

Everyone is suddenly stunned by an Asian man and woman who leap from the burning wreckage of the plane. They dust themselves down and walk over to Jack, Kate and Claire.

JIN (Jackie Chan): Don’t worry everyone, I managed to save us by climbing onto the wing as the plane was diving and used my weight to control our descent. That is why we are all alive!
SUN (Lucy Liu): And I helped him!
JACK: Whoa, hold the jabbering? We don’t understand a word either of you said – you don’t speak English!
JIN: Eh? I am speaking English! I just saved your lives!
JACK: Erm… come again?
SUN: (to Jack) Sorry, we’re from Asiorea, which is along the coast of Vietnam, Hong Kong, China, Japan and Korea, I don’t speak English until episode 6 and my husband doesn’t speak it at all. Hopefully by the time we’re rescued he’ll learn it.
JIN: What are you talking about woman? I do speak English, I am speaking it now!
JACK: Oh, ok, I get it…. I think?

Guitar music is heard playing near the forest, barely audible over the sound of the blazing wreckage. Scene cuts to a guy playing a guitar and singing along badly. He is about 33 going on 17.

CHARLIE (Simon Pegg): (strumming one chord, singing) C’mon y’all! (Stops singing, changes chord, starts strumming again and singing) C’mon y’all!

The stop/starting chord change and singing continues until he is leapt upon by a Rambo look-alike, from the forest.

CHARLIE: How dare you, mate! This is the number one hit that shot me and my band ThrustingGEARSTICK to worldwide fame!
SAYID: (dropping Iranian accent for a cockney one) Gawd blimey, apples and pears! I ain’t never ‘eard of ThrobbingLOVEPUMP or whateva ya were called, gov’na.
CHARLIE: Admittedly it was in the early 90’s and I suppose we were thrust into obscurity by a mixture of Acid House, George Michael and vast amounts of brown sugar.
CHARLIE: You know, brown sugar, dragon powder…
CHARLIE: Heroin….heroin! You should know, it comes from your country!
SAYID: Nah mate, you’re well mixing up Iran with Afghanistan, innit.

They are joined by Jack, Kate, Claire, Jin and Sun.

JACK: (to Sayid) You look like you could be handy in a situation like this, mind if we hang?

Vincent the dog (Jack Russell terrier) runs across beach with the packet of Cheezy Bitey Bites in its mouth. It is chased by Michael, Walt, Hurley and Sawyer. They pass a solitary figure sitting near the shore. He is next to a wheelchair.

LOCKE (Robin Williams complete with badly wig): (talking to himself) Oh man, what the hell happened?

A sock puppet appears next to his head.

LOCKE: (as sock puppet with funny voice) Oh John… I think we was in a plane crash. Hey, what’s your wheelchair doing here, right next to you? Wasn’t it stowed in the luggage compartment?
LOCKE: Eh? Yeah, you’re right Little Jacob, that is really odd!
LOCKE/LITTLE JACOB: You damned right it is! Perhaps this island is magical? Perhaps you can walk?
LOCKE: No, no, no, don’t be so silly Little Jacob. I’ve not been able to walk since my absent father threw me out of a window. Tho, I’m really surprised that all I lost was the use of my legs after that drop!

Locke stands up and carefully starts to walk around.

LOCKE/LITTLE JACOB: You can do it! You can do it!
LOCKE: (laughing) Yes Little Jacob! This island must be magical – it brought you, the voice of reason, to me Little Jacob and it gave me my legs back!
LOCKE/LITTLE JACOB: (as an aside) Pity it didn’t do anything for your hair!

Locke stops walking around and looks sternly at the sock puppet.
Vincent the dog (now a Great Dane) runs back past Locke, with the others following.

LOCKE/LITTLE JACOB: Looks like a mystery needs solving!

Walt stops running and comes over to Locke. Locke puts the hand with the sock puppet into his pocket quickly.

WALT: Whatcho doin’?
LOCKE: Just pondering the mysteries of the island. Hey, you’re black and I’m white – just like Paul McCartney and Michael Jackson. Ebony and ivory, yin and yang, good and bad….
WALT: Whatcho talkin’ ‘bout? Are you askin’ for a knuckle sandwich?
LOCKE: No, no, no, don’t take me the wrong way. I’m just saying that it could mean something.
WALT: You know, you may be right. I’ve noticed there’s something odd about this island.
LOCKE: What? Like a mystical aura? Healing powers? Hidden secrets?
WALT: No! There’s no Starbucks or McDonalds!

Locke thinks deeply about this for a few seconds. He eventually pulls a backgammon set out of his back pocket.

LOCKE: Want to play a game? I could be good and you could be bad….I mean….. I could be white and you could be black, you know, just like the colours of our skin.
WALT: I don’t really know how to play, but something is drawing me to spending time with you. Perhaps its your wisdom? You know, the way you seem to be in tune with the island.
LOCKE: You may be right. I’m John Locke by the way, like the 17th century English philosopher.
WALT: I’m Walt, like the creator of Disney, Walt Disney.
LOCKE: Do you want to see Little Jacob….?

Just then everybody arrives. Vincent the dog is now a Chihuahua. Everybody heard Locke’s last words and gather round him and Walt whilst looking disapprovingly and cautiously.



Walt and Locke sneak away to spend some time together. They are in the forest. Walt looks scared.

WALT: Locke, I think there’s someone in the forest…. I just heard a rustle.

The bushes part and an island native appears. Locke and Walt are surprised.

RICHARD (Russell Brand): Greetings, forsooth, and ‘tis a pleasure to make your acquaintances!
LOCKE: Who… who are you?
RICHARD: I am the island lothario, the lord of the dinkles, King Rrrichard 'imself. That is, I have always been here, see how mysterious I am with my fancy ways, my wild bohemian looks and my blackishly black eyeliner.
LOCKE: Gosh, yes you must be mysterious, you look like you haven't aged a day..... since the 18th Century!! Plus you look like you've been living rough for a very long tim too!
RICHARD: Forsooth! Who pray you be you rapscallions, how didsth thou get here and what are you doing violatin' my beautifully sexy island?

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